A few years ago, I had what society would call “it all”. I had the fiancé, the dog, the house with an oasis in the backyard. Total instagram worthy life.
And I was happy. Well, kinda. I was happy because I had all of the things I thought I wanted. All of the things society told me I should be striving for. And, I didn’t know any better. So, I lived my mediocre life and called it happiness.
Cut to a few years later, I lost my fiancé, lost my home, lost a shit ton of money by calling off a wedding, and lost the comfort I felt in a life that I knew. And what I was left with was an overwhelming amount of shame because I thought I had failed. I thought that the gold standard for the amount of happiness in your life was where you were on the journey through marriage, kids, home, career, and retirement. In that order. And without that, I felt, for a lack of better words, like a piece of shit. Like that crumbled up piece of paper in Taylor Swift’s All Too Well.
I was scared. I had no idea who I was outside of the relationship. I was scared at the fact that I seemed to have no identity. And through my fear, guilt, and shame, my first reaction was to flee the country. And not tell my family (not kidding). That’s how embarrassed I felt after having everything society deems as worthy stripped away from me.
So, after crying my fair share of rivers, I didn’t just pick up the pieces to myself. I put together a whole new freakin person. Because I hit such a low that I committed to never putting myself in a position where I became that enmeshed with another person again. And the answer wasn’t to jump into a new relationship, the answer was to create a relationship with myself.
So, I began my journey of self love. And it has been intense, and at times, all consuming. But on the other side of it, I found happiness and fulfillment.
And through my journey, I fell in love with writing.
My mind is constantly writing.
I often have full stories developed before I even have the chance to write them down. I feel like Beth Harmon, but with words. And when my brain isn’t writing, it’s overloaded with creative ideas on how to express myself. How to take my lessons and make them digestible to share with other people. And when I don’t share, the ideas become a child throwing a tantrum inside of me, begging to be seen and heard.
The more meaning I started to create in my life outside of the frames of social media, the harder it became to post pictures of my French toast. And how misleading it felt to only post about the moments where I was experiencing joy.
So I started to share my lessons, and providing more meaning behind my posts.
Because my goal is to create connection. And to use my voice. To have a place to channel my creative energy. And hopefully inspire someone along the way.
And in doing that, I started to feel deeper fulfillment. And purpose. Something I had been searching for my whole life.
So, throw all of that into a pot and stir it real good, and here we are!
Welcome! ~Insert party emoji~ I spend 95% of my time trying to maintain a mentally and emotionally well balanced life. And, to me, that doesn’t look like going to yoga and eating my veggies and then waiting for my life to change. A well balanced life to me is giving myself everything that I need. It’s giving myself acceptance when I feel rejected. It’s giving myself love when I feel lonely. And it’s giving myself comfort when I feel emotional.
I found that in order to live a mentally and emotionally well balanced life, you have to face your shadows and address your inner child wounds. You have to detox your life of the things that aren’t serving you and set boundaries for yourself. And once you start addressing these things, you start to build a better relationship with yourself. And once you start loving yourself more, it becomes impossible not to go after the life that you’ve been dreaming of. Between here, the podcast, and instagram, I’m going to be sharing everything that I’m learning, what works for me, and debunking the toxic positivity culture.
So, stay tuned and follow along! I hope you can find yourself between the lines of my words, and the plot of my stories. I hope I can empower you to start loving yourself, or if you’re already on a self love journey, to love yourself a little harder. I hope I can show you that radical self love will set you free.
If you want to hear more details about how ending my engagement changed my life, listen to my podcast episode “My Journey to Fill the Void” here. I talk about how that relationship was filling a void I felt all my life, how I started to realize it wasn’t for me, the aftermath of the breakup, and what my life looks like on the other side of it.